Happy Sno--er, I mean Ice Day!

The kids have a snow day today after our area was blanketed in a beautiful coating of ice yesterday. (I say that it's beautiful because I'm not out driving in it ... it looks wonderful, but would be horrible to drive in.) I was planning to go out running errands for the day, but changed plans with this weather and the kids being home. So, today is my big cleaning day. Woohoo!!

It's funny how often old sayings ring true ... and the one that's going through my head so much lately is "when it rains, it pours." I have a crazy list of things to do this week, all leading up to little Miss Maya's birthday party on Saturday. It would be enough to just need to clean the house, buy some groceries, pick up her birthday gifts (finally have been delivered to the store and I just need to go collect them) and wrap them up to look pretty, bake and decorate a cake and throw up some decorations. But, no! This is also the week that we have our karate testing for graduation (which is also Saturday), I have a PTA meeting to go to (I would skip it, but the focus is Safety ... and I'm the Health and Safety Chairperson), an appointment to get my boobs squished (a.k.a. a mammogram ... now that I'm 35, I get to have all that fun on a regular basis), Austin's Christmas program at school and one of Tim's work Christmas celebrations. And all day Thursday I'll be teaching / volunteering at the kids' school. It all just seems to add up to a big bunch of craziness!

I've written it all down and even tried to plot out a schedule for when I'll have time / be able to do all of it between all these commitments. So, it made me laugh this morning when I had planned to get out and about to run lots of errands and saw that school was cancelled for the day. Brings to mind another saying ... "the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray."

I guess I'm either a mouse or a man .... :)

teaching ...

So, a few weeks ago, our school district posted a job for an English / Spanish teacher. I called the high school principal and let him know that I would definitely be interested if they were going to fill the position separately--part-time English and part-time Spanish. The kids' principal called him to put in a few good words for me, too. Then I got a call from the Assistant Superintendent of Human Resources / Personnel ... asking what the odds were that I'd be able to get certification in English also. Interestingly enough, I started out going to school to be an English teacher, so I did have quite a few classes. I met with him the following week so that we could look over my transcripts and talk about possibilities. He even told me during that meeting that he would like to hire me and that he's heard very good things about me (from the volunteering I've been doing at the kids' elementary teaching Spanish).

I called the University of Akron to see how close I was to being able to get my certification in English ... turns out, not as close as I thought. Okay, next avenue to pursue is to send an application / request to be able to take a test for certification in English through Michigan's State Department of Education. Still waiting to hear on that.

I've been so excited thinking that I might be able to get back to teaching--in my own classroom, with a regular, paying job. I've been kind of giddy ...

The Asst. Superintendent mentioned to me that the high school principal would likely be doing interviews this week, so I called him (the principal) on Monday. He told me that they found someone who is certified English and Spanish ... and that what they really need immediately is the English portion of that certification (because they have an English teacher retiring in January). It looks like they're going to hire her. Sigh. My heart just sank when he told me that. I had allowed myself to get excited about the possibility ... not just to teach again, but to teach English too--that sounds fun to me.

I am frustrated and let down.

I really do believe that things happen for a reason, and there's definitely a reason this didn't work out. I'll likely never know why, but I'm trying to focus on the positive. But I can't help feeling that this just sucks.

pictures from the 5k

This is me with the official finishing place popsicle stick:

Here I am with Jen at the end of the race:

I'm not a virgin!!

So, last Sunday (5k day--University of Toledo's Pi Kappa Something-or-other's Run for the Kids to benefit Children's Miracle Network) started out interestingly enough. When my friend, Jen, and I arrived at the registration / starting area for the 5k, we found nothing more than 5 or 6 other runners. We looked around a bit, talked with some of the other runners and sat in a warm building for a while--it was quite chilly (about 40 degrees). And then, about 30 minutes late, the very official-looking (sarcasm) registration table was set up in the middle of the parking lot between 2 cars. Three or four possibly hungover college guys (clad in jeans, a sweatshirt and FLIP FLOPS, no less ... it was 40 freakin' degrees!!) clumsily scanned the registration papers, handed out t-shirts, signed up a few more people and co-ordinated the start of the race. We were told what the layout of the course would be, that it would be marked and people would be on course to stop traffic as needed ... we were told all this by one guy standing in front of about 75-100 runners talking loudly. Not highly effective. No biggie, we figured there would be plenty of other runners we could follow. We were cold and looking forward to the start ... which was surprisingly official--a starter's pistol.

Bang! We were off and running. Woohoo! My first 5k! I was feeling all fluttery and excited. We started in the back of the pack and passed a few people early as everyone sorted out their pace. At the one mile mark (an orange cone on the side of the course), Jen told me our time was 10:15. Seriously?? That's faster than I've ever run before! Woohoo! At mile 2 (another orange cone and a frat guy with cups of water and a stopwatch) our time was 20:30. Seriously?? I was actually keeping pace at my fastest time ever?? Woohoo! Oh yeah, I had to pee, too. Darn it. That always happens. Just keep running. Third mile, we decided that for the last half mile we'd pick up the pace a bit and then really run the last tenth. Good plan--although I did doubt how much gas I'd have in the tank for either of those said plans. So, 2.6 miles into the 5k, we ran a little faster ... not a lot, but a little faster. I was tired, breathing hard and tired (did I mention that already?), but Jen was awesome. She's a great pep-talker, ego booster and drill sergeant trainer (but the nice kind). She helped me stay focused and encouraged me all the way. When we hit the last tenth, I had a surprising burst of energy / ability to stretch it out and kick it in for the finish. I was the 50th person across the line (no actual line, just the frat guys handing out popsicle sticks with numbers as the official place marker for the time stamp, and a table on the side of the course at the ending point) and my time was 31:36. Woohoo! That's a 10:12 pace ... the fastest I'd ever run before was 10:23, and that was only for one mile. Woohoo!!


So, yippee!! I ran my first 5k, was able to run with one of my best friends, did well and accomplished my goal of finishing in under 33:00 ... and had an adventure of an experience with the uber-professional set up--not! :D It was really a great experience for my first time ... now I'm not a (running) virgin.

Run from the Kids

I am officially signed up to run my first 5k ... it's a Run for the Kids (proceeds go to help the Children's Miracle Network). The first time I saw the tag line, I thought it said Run from the Kids--which, let's admit, is more entertaining. It could be put on like a mini running of the bulls, having a pack of kids all released at one time to run chasing the adult participants. What fun! What excitement! (go ahead with your thought ... you won't hurt my feelings ... I am quite aware that I am one goofy girl!)

I'm really excited about this 5k because I get to run with one of my favorite people and best friends, Jen. We've known each other since I was 11 (right, Jen? or were you 11 and I was 10? ... regardless, about 25 years now). She is quite an accomplished athlete, having completed the Ironman Triathlon in Lake Placid this summer--among other events this year. For those who don't know, an Ironman is a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike and 26.2 mile run (that's a full marathon to end the event)--all in one day ... consecutively ... without stopping ... and it takes the entire day. Whew! I just got tired and winded thinking about it! :D I think she's amazing and I'm really looking forward to running with her, albeit at a much slower pace than she's used to!!

I'll be sure to post about it after the 5k, which is on the 28th.

5 stinking pounds!

Last week, Tim and I went to San Francisco. He had a business conference Tuesday evening and all day on Wednesday and Thursday. We made a week-long vacation out of it (thanks to my wonderful in-laws for spending the week here with the kiddos!! :D). We flew out to California the Saturday before and flew home the Saturday after his seminar. We did all kinds of things--saw the Golden Gate bridge (with NO fog, even!!), spent an afternoon in Sausalito, walked through Muir National Forest to see the redwoods (amazing!), drove to Monterrey and took the scenic 17-mile drive through Carmel, walked all over Fisherman's Wharf, rode a trolley car (so cool!), walked all through Chinatown, North Beach and Union Square, and went to wine country on two different days to check out a few wineries (four total). We walked and walked and walked--which was a good amount of exercise, especially when you consider all the hills of San Francisco. Oh--I haven't mentioned yet that we also went running four times ... a wonderful way to check out the city. So, what I'm wondering is how in the hell I managed to gain five (5!!!!) f*&$#ing pounds!! For a few of the days, we only ended up eating breakfast and a late lunch ... and on the days we did eat dinner, we split our lunch--you know, shared a sandwich and salad. We didn't really drink that much, either. I'm flabbergasted! I can only imagine how much I would have gained had I not run 4 times and walked like a mad woman! Interestingly enough, I don't exactly know where the 5 pounds landed, either ... my clothes all fit the same as they did before we left. I just don't get it. Sigh.

So, I've obviously continued running since I've been home. And, now I'm back to eating on Weight Watchers and drinking lots of water. That's all been going well and I've lost 3 of the 5 pounds I gained, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm annoyed with the fact that I gained 5 to begin with.

Oh yeah. One other thing. Tim lost a few pounds while we were gone. Nice. (There's a little insult for my injured, chubby pride!)

So, that's my little rant.

**A happy note: this past week, we all passed our belt promotion test in karate so we'll be graduating up to orange belts on Saturday. Tim and the kids will be there (and Austin's teacher is going to watch--she rocks!!!) but I'll be in North Carolina with Stef to celebrate my Dad's 60th birthday.

Austin's note

The other day, Austin was having a little pity party for himself--feeling frustrated about not getting his way about some things. So, he shared his thoughts with me by penning this note:

[*I'll be using Austin's exact spelling and punctuation]


things Jen has got to improove on

1. Not forcing me to go to school (when I have a maijor tummyache).
2. Not forcing me to go to karate (when I have a maijor tummyache).
3. Not forcing yourself to be mean (relly relly mean and rude).
4. Buy me hellys (NOW)! [*note from Jen: heelies are shoes with wheels in the heels]
5. Buy me more vide-o games (NOW)!
6. Buy me more junkfood (cheesecake).
7. Let me wach way more T.V.
8. Don't be mean (when I've had a hard day.
9. Help me feel better more oftan. (way more oftan).
10. Stop making me play outside when I don't want to.
11. Stop forcing me to do what I don't want to do (all the time).

well you have it stop misbehaving.
hopfully you will lisen.


*I'm glad that Austin wasn't with me when I read his note, because I laughed until I cried. His scolding tone just really struck me as funny. I plan on saving this note to share with him when he's grown ... so he can laugh like I did.

Now, if you don't mind, I think I'll go practice not forcing myself to be so mean and rude--really, really mean and rude. :D

What a slacker!

Wow! It's been a month since I've posted. And I've got so much to talk about! I'll give snippets today, and expound later.

1. Austin is doing VERY well on the medication. I feel like the little boy I knew was inside his non-focused, impulsive, emotional body is out for all the world to see and enjoy. Things are going incredibly well at school, at karate, at home. It is wonderful ... and very satisfying to feel that Tim and I made the right decision. No doubt about it!

2. Austin really likes school!! And his teacher really likes him ... she thinks he's a hoot. She's started writing down the funny things he says. An example: they're learning about the ear and hearing in science right now. Yesterday, Austin told Mrs. Johnson that his ear hurt. When she asked how long it had been hurting, he said "not long ... I just yawned and felt something pop inside ... I think it was my hammer." If you know your inner ear parts, you'll find this amusing. :)

3. Maya is swimming right along in school. I am still amazed at her phenomenal reading. She constantly has her nose in a book and reads with intonation and fluency that is absolutely unexpected at her age ... heck! It's unexpected at Austin's age to read like she does. She's doing very well.

4. Karate continues to be fun ... we're learning a lot. I am so impressed with how much the kids (especially Austin) retain from classes. I think I'm going to be a karate mama for Halloween. :)

5. Running is going really well. I have found that listening to classical music while I run is a good thing. I feel peaceful and enjoy the run more. (Thanks for the suggestion Tim ... I'm glad I finally decided to try it.) Yesterday I ran for 40 minutes. That's my longest ever!! I would guess that I ran 3.5 - 3.75 miles. And it felt really good!!

6. Last weekend we had a Schario girls' weekend here at the house. WOW! Did we ever have a fun time!! There was almost a constant buzz of laughter in the house ... often reaching a roar. It was absolutely wonderful to be able to catch up with my cousins, aunts, sisters, stepmom and mom. We sat around and talked a lot (Magi and stayed up until 3:30 am Friday night gabbing!!), played Scruples--which was really fun, ate lots of yummy food, went for a walk / jog Saturday morning, kind of watched a movie (Intolerable Cruelty) and some of the OSU game. But mostly, we just hung out. And it was absolutely fabulous!! I'm already looking forward to the next one!!

That seems like a good place to pause ... I've got to get to the mundane--laundry, dishes, mowing. Sigh.

breakfast in bed

What a great morning! I woke to the sweet snuggle of Maya. (She had a bad dream last night and had crawled into bed with Tim and me around 5:00.) After about 20 minutes of cuddling and talking with her, Austin woke up and came down to my room. He climbed into my bed and nestled in, too. I was surrounded by my kids--our arms around each other, legs intertwined. We were talking about what we'd be doing today when Austin asked if they could make me breakfast in bed. My first thought was "this could be messy" and my second thought was "I've really got a lot I need to get going on for the day", but my best thought was "this could really be fun--for all of us." So I told them that I'd love to have breakfast in bed.

Off they scurried to the kitchen. I heard drawers and cupboards opening and closing, the toaster oven beeping, the refrigerator opening and closing and them talking and giggling all the while.

Maya brought me a tray with 2 pieces of toast made into a sandwich with mayonnaise and sliced tomato--"cut with a butter knife because I'm only allowed to use those, not really sharp knives"--and an apple. She was very formal and proud as she presented me with this breakfast masterpiece. She also made sure to tell me that Austin was "still preparing the second breakfast" and told me not to get too full.

A few minutes later Austin brought me another tray with a jelly sandwich, a piece of cinnamon toast and a sandwich made with a cinnamon and brown sugar mini-bagel with (a lot of) peanut butter and two slices of tomato--"to make it an interesting creation." He was also very formal in his presentation and beaming with pride.

They both climbed into bed with me and I shared some of my food with them ... after all, it was a lot of food! We all agreed that everything was delicious (except for the tomato on the peanut butter bagel sandwich ... interesting, but not tasty). The kids were quite pleased with themselves--that they were able to make all of that by themselves ... and that they were doing something kind and thoughtful.

I was also quite pleased with them. What a nice way to start the day!!

more exciting news

Yesterday was our belt promotion / graduation at karate. It was a very cool program. The studio was packed with family and friends of the nearly 60 of us graduating. We were broken down into groups (the little preschooler group called the Dragons--very cute hearing their itty bitty voices shouting out kias ... and watching them break boards!!, those of us in the beginning belt ranks, then the middle belt ranks and the advanced belts). It was fun for us to get to watch the advanced students and what they've been learning. And we were also glad to see what the students in the Blackbelt Leadership program have been working on. The Blackbelt program is for the definitely dedicated students who show potential to not just go through the lessons and learn the blocks, punches and kicks, but who will be exemplary students really giving their best ... and they also learn more advanced things like sparring, weapons use and grappling. To be in the Blackbelt Leadership program you have to be invited by the instructors after they've seen that you possess the right attitude and work ethic for the program. At graduation yesterday, our family was invited to join the Blackbelt Leadership program!! Yeah!!!

We're very excited and proud! :)

we are so proud ...

On Wednesday, we all took our test for belt promotion in karate. I'm very happy to say that we all passed with flying colors. The look on Austin's face when Mr. Mitchell gave him a red stripe on his belt--indicating that he passed the test and was indeed being promoted--was just priceless. Aus was absolutely beaming with a smile from ear to ear. When Mr. Mitchell told Austin that he's very proud of him and all the progress he's made, noting that he's become a great leader in the class, our typically talkative son was tongue-tied ... barely able to get out "thank you, sir." Our graduation is Saturday. We're very happy that Stef will be here to go with us ... and I'm hoping she'll be able to take some photos that I can include in my next post.

Speaking of photos to post, I finally was able to cajole my disk reader into working this morning, so I'll have to sit down and do some work to get them up for you to see. (We've still got our Disney trip photos to share!!)

I did have time to get this one up ... Austin's new do. It was his idea to style it like this ... (a few kids in karate have similar hairstyles, a few of the dancers on So You Think You Can Dance wore their hair like this and he found out that his friend Daniel also has this hairstyle). I'm sure that there are people who will think I'm crazy for letting my kid wear his hair like this, but I don't care at all about this kind of thing. I figure that hair and clothes are a good and simple way for kids to be able to express themselves and explore their style. Besides, hair will just grow back and clothes and styles change all the time anyway. I think it's pretty cool!

"you karate do, yes--ok ..."

A month ago, we started taking karate as a family. It's been a lot of fun and has really done wonders with helping Austin focus and use more self-control. The life lesson we've been highlighting is self-discipline. We talk a lot about different ways to show self-discipline and the benefits of doing so. When either of the kids is getting off track with behavior and choices, Tim and I can quickly and fairly easily get them back on track with a few questions about using self-discipline. It's been really effective carrying over the terminology from class into the home scenario. They really respond well to it.

The other thing that we emphasize in class is using the 3 rules of focus--focus your eyes, focus your body and focus your mind. That has been an amazing tool for working with Austin. He has been doing pretty well with pulling himself in to show all 3 rules of focus whenever one of us--or the instructors--mention it. He still has a good, long way to go ... but we're happy to have another strategy to use.

We have our first test for belt promotion (from white to yellow) next week. Hopefully we'll all be wearing yellow belts in about 10 days!!

anniversary trip

August 3rd marked our 11th anniversary. Sometimes I wonder how it could be that long and other days I'm sure I've miscalculated--it seems double that, easily! :D

We took a trip out to the beautiful state of Washington. We spent the first 3 days in Bellingham (north of Seattle). What a delightful area! The first day was lots of driving around--in the red convertible Mustang (my dream car!!!) we rented for the week. We checked out downtown Bellingham, ate at a great micro-brewery and checked in to our gorgeous hotel (the Chrysalis Inn and Spa). There was a beautiful boardwalk that actually went out into Bellingham Bay and meandered through a nice picnic-type park. We ate dinner that night at the restaurant in our hotel--sitting out on the patio / balcony overlooking Bellingham Bay, watching the sun glimmer on the water. Just perfect!!

Day two was our big mountain day. We drove out to Mount Baker for sight-seeing and hiking. The view from the summit was absolutely breathtaking. And, standing in the snow in our shorts was pretty fun, too. After exploring a bit at the top of the mountain, we drove back down the mountain to our selected trail for a good hike. The Excelsior Pass Trail--a 4.5 mile (one way) "more difficult" trail that started out at 1800 feet and would climb another 3500 feet. It was described on the Internet and by locals as the trail with a challenging and steep climb for the first mile ... then it was supposed to level out a bit and end with a fantastic viewpoint. We had taken our lunch to eat at the top--while we soaked in the glorious vista. The weather was perfect ... in the lower 70s, getting just slightly warmer as the day went on. We kept a good pace the entire climb. But, one thing was obvious ... there was NO point when the trail leveled out. It was a constant climb. Constant. We passed a few of the "landmarks" mentioned in the on-line trail guide--the evidence of a previous forest fire around the 2 mile mark, the more dense brush area around mile 3 or so and the thinning of the trees around mile 4. We hiked uphill for 2 hours and 45 minutes wondering why we hadn't run into anyone who was on their way down ... we were growing more and more tired, and less and less enthusiastic about making it all the way to the top / end. Finally, we encountered another hiker on his way down. When we asked if we were near the end (and we honestly were both expecting him to say "the beautiful view is just another 100 yards ahead"), our fellow sweat-drenched hiker who was incredibly upbeat promptly, and certainly without intending to, removed every last bit of wind from our tired and weary sails. He said we had about another 2 miles to go--"the most difficult 2 miles, probably"--and asked if we had plenty of water, because it was getting quite hot up there. "Yes, we've got water. Thanks." He continued on his way down and Tim and I looked for a place to plop and have our lunch right there. We were done with our part of the upward climb ... we were not going to make it to the end of the Excelsior trail, that was obvious. (I think the description as 4.5 miles one way must have been incorrect ... we certainly had made it more than 2.5 miles on the trail ... something just didn't add up right.) We ended up eating while we walked down the trail because the bugs decided to come out to share lunch with us when we were sitting still. It took us about an hour and 30 minutes to walk down--with knees aching and legs a-shakin'. It was a rough descent ... it actually seemed harder to go down than up! Tim and I were both thrilled to see the road and parking lot at the end of it, but entirely too spent to express any real excitement. A big sigh and "thank God!" were all we could muster.

The next day, with ridiculously sore legs ("Damn you, Excelsior!!" as Tim would randomly yell out during the rest of our trip), we went to San Juan Island and shopped a bit. During a brief visit at South Beach, I sat on a log listening to and watching the waves lap the shore. It was a completely different experience than I have ever had at a sunny / Caribbean beach. I felt so much peace, and felt truly connected with nature and the universe ... it was very spiritual. I want to go back. Soon. For a much longer time.

Day 4 sent us driving in that fun and fabulous Mustang down the highway to Olympia (south of Seattle) to visit my very good friend April (a.k.a. Chicky ... we both call each other Chicky and have since pretty shortly into our friendship that began 15 years ago in college). It was a wonderful 2-3 days spending time with her. We also were able to meet the love of her life, Kristi. She is really fabulous ... I like her a lot. It makes me happy to see my Chicky in such a good place! We spent most of our time together just sitting around, talking and laughing ... and eating ice cream!! :)

After our days with Chicky and Kristi, we headed back to Bellingham and then flew to Columbus to return to our kids (who had spent the week with Nana and Papa). It was wonderful to see them again--a week away really makes you happy to see and hug and kiss those adorable little people!!

Next time we go, we'll have to give Excelsior another go!! Maybe we should start training for it now!!

A.D.D.

Two weeks ago, Tim and I had our informative meeting with Doug the pediatric psychologist to hear what he found in his testing with Austin. It came as a complete non-shock to hear that Austin indeed has Attention Deficit (with a touch of Hyper) Disorder ... which is actually a very misleading name. It's not that he has a deficit in or inability to pay attention, it's that he can't filter out what, of all the 20-ish things that are vying for it, should be getting his attention. And this isn't just the case with Austin, that's what A.D.D. is ... along with the fun and always interesting impulse control issues.

My Aunt Suzy has a perfect explanation for the impulse control scenario--most people make decisions about what to say and do by following an A B C plan. A: we think of something we want to say or do, B: we consider the ramifications of making said choice and determine whether or not it would be beneficial to do or say so, and then C: we do or say whatever it was that we were thinking (provided that step B indicated it would be prudent). People with A.D.D. (Austin) skip step B--if they think it, they do / say it. It's not that they don't feel like going through the A B C process, it's that their brain isn't equipped to do it very well. Their internal voice only tells them A C. But, if they have an external voice (i.e. their mother, father, teacher) to remind them to include B, they can do it.

Other things that Doug found: Austin is delightful, smart and funny ... genuinely a good kid. (Tim and I already knew that! :D) He said that he really enjoyed his time with Austin. I'm sure he sees some really challenging kids--like the 14-ish year old we saw in the waiting area who tried to bolt out the door the second it was time to go to his appointment ... his dad had to grab and practically restrain him. So, comparatively, I imagine Austin was really a little ray of sunshine for Doug.

And, I have to say that it was really nice to hear from someone who was spending time with my son that he's enjoyable. After an entire school year of hearing his teacher sigh and complain and only see him as a problem, it made me happy to hear that Doug could see Austin as Tim and I do--a bright, humorous, loving and fun kid.

During our appointment, we got the whole explanation about medication, what it does, how it helps, possible side effects, etc. Doug thinks that Austin is a "perfect candidate" to be helped by it.

After lots of discussion and questions and thinking and sorting through issues and weighing pros and cons, we're going to try it. We're still struggling with it a little. A few of our concerns about having Austin take medication are that he might not develop coping mechanisms or survival strategies to deal with this, and if that's the case, will he end up needing to take some medication the rest of his life? Will he have side effects (stomach aches, head aches, sleeping problems, loss of appetite)?

But our bigger concerns deal with what will happen if we don't try the medication. He's already having problems socially--it's understandably frustrating for other kids to play with Austin sometimes and what 7-8 year old is going to have the patience and / or interest in working with him through his impulsiveness, loudness and "in-your-face-ness". He does things that are annoying to other people. It's the lack of ability to use the B part of the decision-making process. Medication will be able to help that. And that means a lot to us, for Austin. We're also concerned that he'll start falling behind in school. As the curriculum gets tougher--and more independent work is expected--we're afraid that he'll struggle. (He can't stay focused long enough to write a short thank you note without me getting him back on track, how will he be able to sustain attention to get work done in school??)

We have our appointment with the pediatrician (to actually get the prescription) on Friday. We'll start the medication shortly after that. I'll be sure to post about how that all goes! Wish us luck!

Simba

One of the last times I posted, I was feeling like I didn't have much to write about. This time, I have a lot to share and have been wanting to get to this for over a week.

Some sad news. We had to put our Simba to sleep last week. He and his sister, Jasmine have been with us for almost 11 years (July 26th is their 11th birthday). In a nutshell, Simba was a big baby of a cat ... a big, sassy, snuggly, needy, sweet cat who was easily stressed by change. (All of our moves have been challenging for him.) He weighed in at 18 pounds--truly a big cat. He was always sure to let us know what he wanted and/or needed ... and you'd be surprised by the foul mouth he had. Simba swore at me daily ("dammit, woman, I said I'm thirsty!" and "what the hell don't you understand when I say 'PET ME'?!") and would not give up if he was in the mood to be petted. I can't count the number of times he would "bull head" into my leg or hand--or head, if I was sleeping. He made Maya's day many times by laying across her lap--it was a win-win situation. She desperately wanted to hold, pet and brush a cat, and he just loved all the affection and attention.

A vet once told me that Simba had tendencies and symptoms that indicated he was diabetic. He also told me that if/when Simba got sick, it would be fast. The last month we had him, he was peeing and pooping all over the house. The last 2-3 weeks, it was everyday. He seemed less and less himself. He hadn't bitched at me to get him water for about 2 weeks. He was shying away from being petted. He seemed skittish and nervous when anyone walked in the room--even Tim and me. His arthritis made him uncomfortable--shifting often and moving slowly. He didn't eat anything in his last 2 days.

When I took him to the vet for his final time, he was uncharacteristically calm. He came out of his carrier as soon as I opened the door and sweetly nudged me. He instantly started to purr and just sat next to me for a minute. Then, he got down and walked around the room. He had never done that before. I always ended up having to pull him out of his carrier and then he'd want to hide behind me or in a corner. He would cry throughout the entire visit, practically begging me to take him home. He would shed like a maniac and his dander seemed to sprout more every second. He had always been a nervous wreck at the vet's office. But not that last day. It was almost like he was glad for it, or he was trying to make me feel better.

I cried for an hour before I took him to the vet, the entire drive there and all during the visit. I sobbed while I petted him afterwards and kissed his head. I still cry when I think about it, but I'm also glad that he's better now.

I imagine that he's in his own little cat heaven--a field with moths and bugs flitting about ... and he's chasing them with all he's got. For as big as he was, he was always such a kitten.

Rest in peace, Simby kitty.

DUI

Just a little note ... last night I was over hanging out with the neighbors on their deck when Deb mentioned that her friend Mary got a DUI on July 4th. Mary is one of the people who was at Deb's graduation party that was insisting that she was safe to drive--after 4 beers ... and her attempt to convince me that she was sober / legal was "and you gotta know, that's not a lot for me."

We're just going to add this little tidbit to the sometimes-you-get-confirmation-that-you've-done-the-right-thing column. I never doubted myself or my decision, but talk about vindication!!

I think I have a case of the blahs. For as busy as I've been, I don't feel like I have much interesting to share. But I do ... when I really think about it.

Austin turned 8 this past week. He seems so much taller to me lately. I look at him and see the young man he'll be some day ... and I can hardly find that little baby boy he once was. On his birthday, he and Maya were amused by me giving them updates on where I was in labor / delivery at different points in the day--but 8 years earlier. (Maya might be less amused by me updating her about how things were going with her labor / delivery as I was in labor through the entire night ... she might just prefer the good night's sleep! :D)
Austin cracked me up on the trampoline tonight. He was sitting on it while I was bouncing him--something we call "making popcorn." I gave him 3 or 4 good, high bounces in a row and he said through all his laughing "stop! stop! oh! shiver me timbers!! those were good ones!" Shiver me timbers ... what a hoot!

We went to Toledo's fireworks on the 4th. Interesting bunch of people who turned out for it. I'm not exactly even sure how to sum it up. There were times that I felt like my family was out of place being there in clean clothes ... if you get my drift.
We ended up laying on top of a little hill with the fireworks bursting right over us. It was a wonderful display set to patriotic music broadcast by a local radio station. It was nice thinking about all of us who were out there from very different backgrounds, with certainly different political views and opinions--and we were all brought together to celebrate this country that we live in.

My dad and Monica came up from North Carolina for Austin's birthday party this past weekend. We had a nice visit and had lots of fun at the party. I always enjoy having my house full of family and friends. My brother and sister (Matt and Jenny) were the only family not able to come. Otherwise, we had a really nice turnout ... and Austin made out like a bandit!! As Maya said, "he got everything he had on his wish list." (I was really excited that he had several books on his list--and in the 2 days that he's had them, he's already read 5 of the 8 books he received ... and they're chapter books, not just picture books!! Yeah!!!)

Monica and I put together a little cabinet for the bathroom while we were drinking margaritas Sunday afternoon. It looks great ... and went together quite nicely. Our little mantra of the afternoon was "we don't need no men folk--except for Tim to keep making us margaritas!" We sure do have fun together!! :)

trouble with photos

**just a little note ... I'm having a problem uploading pictures to the 'puter. As soon as I can get it resolved, I'll have photos up of our Disney trip and Belle and Minnie. :)

Minnie and Belle

Last week Maya and I went to Petco to get Jasmine and Simba (our cats) a new litter box. While in the store, Maya asked if we could see all the animals--her favorite part of going to Petco. I said sure. When we went back to the cat adoption area that's run by a local animal shelter, we saw 2 of the cutest kittens I'd ever seen. They were black and white and just adorable. Maya desperately wanted to take them home. I said we couldn't just take cats home. We've already got two of them. Except, I was thinking that I would have loved to take them home. Naturally she told Austin all about them. (It is worth noting that Austin is an absolute cat lover ... he's always talked about wanting more cats, especially kittens.) The kids chatted on and on about how much they'd love to have kittens and how cute the ones in the store were. Austin hadn't even seen them, but was sure Maya was right and pleaded along with her.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the kids, I was talking to Tim about how fun it would be to get kittens. The kids are at a good age for it--old enough to know how to treat them and take care of them without doing the things that Austin did as a baby (pulling tails and fur, chasing, etc.). We know that we'll never be able to surprise the kids at Christmas with a puppy in a box because Austin's too allergic to dogs. He's also allergic to cats, but doesn't seem to react to them much. Besides, I would want our next cats to be indoor / outdoor, so they wouldn't even be in the house all the time. Tim wasn't as sure as I was. (read: Tim didn't like the idea) But after some more talking and thinking about it, we figured we might as well go for it. So, the kids and I went to Petco to get the 2 kittens.

Except that the animal shelter doesn't do same-day adoptions. And there had been other people who had filled out the paperwork for the same two adorable black and white 10-week old kittens. The representative from the shelter didn't seem keen on the idea that we wanted them to be indoor / outdoor or that we already had two cats. She told me that if we didn't hear from them in 48 hours, we should figure that we weren't the family chosen for the kittens. OK. No problem.

No phone call. No kittens. I had already told the kids that we might not get them ... and if we weren't the family chosen for them, then there was probably a good reason that we just weren't aware of. Maybe they wouldn't get along with Jasmine and Simba, maybe they wouldn't like being outside, maybe they wouldn't be snuggly cats like we'd want ... who knows?!

Or, maybe a more ideal kitten scenario was just around the corner. We were at my in-laws' house and had told them about the Petco kittens and that we didn't seem to be the chosen family, etc. That's when my father-in-law told me that my mother-in-law's brother (and family) had kittens on their farm that were just old enough to be given to other families. Really?! And they basically live right next door ...

So, the kids and I went over that night and checked out the kittens. Very cute and playful. Their mom is the best cat they've ever had ... if these kittens have half of her sweet personality (or cat-ality) they'll be wonderful, they said. Sounds great to me!! We picked out the 2 we liked best and brought them home.

We're sticking with the Disney theme we have for naming our pets. The mostly black / tiger striped kitten is Minnie. She has white paws--like Minnie Mouse's gloves. :) And Belle has a lot of white fur with some of the tiger striping on her back. She looks like she's got eyeliner on with the dark lining around her eyes. Both are really cute, very snuggly, silly and playful. Just what we wanted.

Another example of the adage that things work out like they should ... I'm so glad that my kids have been able to see that for themselves.

it's been a while

Wow. I am a slacker! I keep thinking I want to get on here and post--I have lots to talk about, but seem to not be finding time where I sit down for fun at the 'puter. So, here goes a little bit.

Our vacation to Disney was really fun. The first 3 days were spent at the parks: Animal Kingdom (a lot of fun mixed with long, hot lines), Magic Kingdom (fun with long, hot lines ... we paid the $17--WTF!??--to buy the spray bottle with fan to help cool us for the day ... it helped, but only so much) and Epcot (best day of the three ... really great rides, almost no lines and the ones we did stand in were in air-conditioning--woo hoo!).

We learned that Austin loves roller coasters!! We'd had a glimpse of that from previous vacations to Sesame Place (near Philadelphia) ... they had a small to mid-sized roller coaster there that I'll bet we rode at least 10 times in the 2 days at the park. The full-sized roller coasters at Disney were easily his favorite things to do. The one at Animal Kingdom--called Expedition Everest--was his favorite. It somehow has been worked into conversation everyday since we've been home. Yesterday, the kids played Expedition Everest in the van. Every time I'd accelerate, turn a corner or slow down they'd pretend they were whooshing around like they were on a roller coaster ... complete with hands in the air and little "screams" to share their joy and / or pretend fear with what Austin referred to as the ride of his life. Funny!

Although Maya had fun playing Expedition Everest in the van, she was NOT interested in riding it--or many of the other roller coasters at Disney. She preferred meeting princesses and Minnie, watching the parade and doing low-key rides. I have to say that I was a little surprised that she got so afraid about riding some things ... several rides were abandoned just before we would have gotten on. Nerves got the best of her!

The last 4 days of the trip were on the Disney cruise ... also a lot of fun. We were busy, busy!! In the Bahamas, we had a great excursion--Close Encounter with a dolphin! We were in the water with "Andy" .... we hugged, kissed, rubbed, danced with and fed him. It was a wonderful, amazing experience. The kids loved it ... and we did, too! On Disney's island, we went snorkeling. The kids had never done that before ... Austin got a little nervous at first (I think it was mostly because he felt unstable with the fins on trying to figure out relaxed breathing through the snorkel), but once he got the hang of it, he was a snorkeling machine. I had to work to keep up with him when he was "chasing" fish! The kids spent almost all of the last day swimming in the Mickey-shaped pool on the ship. They had a blast ... making friends, splashing around, going down the slide. Maya thought that carrying me around the pool was the biggest hoot of all. So, being the great mom I am, I let her carry me just about as much as she wanted! :D

That trip was a great way to start the summer ... and after not-the-best school year for Austin, I was really happy that I had planned to have us on vacation a week after school let out.

Next post, the new additions to our family: Minnie and Belle.

an exciting milestone--25!!

Hip! Hip! Hooray!! It's been 1 year, 5 months and 9 days since I started this journey to get back into shape and lose weight. Today, the scale showed some very exciting numbers. Drum roll, please ......... I've lost 25 pounds!! WooHooo!! I am excited! I'm thrilled with how much more energetic I feel, how much more comfortable my clothes are (2 sizes smaller) and how much smaller I am. I've been measuring along the way, too ... and I have some fun statistics. Along with 25 lbs., I've lost 4 inches around my chest and waist, 6" around my belly, 4.5" around my hips and butt, and 2" around each thigh and upper arm. Yeah!! I'm melting ... and I like it! :)

I'm about to reach another one of my goals this week--I have been determined to be in good enough shape and have lost enough weight to wear a bikini on our Disney trip (we leave on Thursday) ... and I'm ready to do it!! I won't be posting any photos of that here, but I will wear it. :D I'm still not the hottest mama out there, but I feel good in my skin and I'm happy with my progress so far. (I still plan to lose another 15 lbs. or so, but I'm happy to be more than halfway to my goal of 40 lbs. total.)

A little more good news, the running is going better. I still have days that I don't love it, but I'm making some big improvements. I'm up to running 3 miles now, and I'm posting lower times to mark each mile too. I'm down to a 10:30 mile--I started out around 16 minutes because I had to walk for parts of it, but I've made some significant progress with it. Yippee!

I'll keep on chugging ... with my exercise and a Honey Brown or two. (We are almost on vacation, you know!) :)

a fun party ... with a small conflict

On Saturday we went to our neighbor's graduation party. She earned her MBA--while working full-time and with a family (she's got 3 kids ... and a hubby). Pretty fantastic!

We knew we'd have a really good time at the party. They're fun people who are easy to be around. We hang out once in a while, have a few beers together and chat often when we're out doing yard work, etc. Our kids play together most everyday and get along most of that time--typical kid disagreements sometimes arise, but nothing major.

Their families and friends were there for the party, too. (I'm a little jealous of people who have family who live within a half hour ... that hasn't been the case for us since we were in college. Sigh.) Talk about a diverse and crazy bunch of people. It was fabulous!! I felt right at home!! Debbie's family often and lovingly refers to themselves as "the dysfunctional family" ... but I have to say that there wasn't much that would separate Shane's family from that label, either. And those of you who are aware of the Schario family--we are what I would consider one of the most functional dysfunctional families around ... which is why I felt so comfortable with these two groups.

A funny little note: when Shane and Debbie are relaying something that's going on with Debbie's mom, Carol, they either immediately qualify during the story or ask for clarification whether they're talking about "Carol or Absolut Carol". She's animated, out-spoken, funny and quite accident-prone when she's Absolut Carol ... as you might imagine.

Around 11:00, after most people had left, Debbie mentioned that she wanted to go out to a bar for some dancing. Sounded like a lot of fun to me--it's been more than 2 years since I've gone out with the girls dancing. I really wanted to go. But there was one problem: there wasn't anyone who I thought was legal to drive. Debbie and I definitely weren't. Her friend Mary thought she was because she only had "4 beers, and you gotta know--that's not a lot for me." Yeah, I'm not convinced--thankyouverymuch. And there was Sheila. She had only arrived about 45 minutes earlier. She'd had a beer and a shot, she said, but I was pretty sure she'd had 2 shots and a beer ... and she didn't plan to stop drinking then. Regardless, I wasn't comfortable with that scenario either.

I recommended we call a cab. The bonus with that--besides that nobody gets killed--is we can all drink and do what we want without worrying about who has to drive later. I thought it sounded like a splendid idea. But I was the only one who thought so. Mary and Sheila went on pleading their sober-enough-to-drive cases. I played my broken record listing the perks of calling a cab--and I said I'd pay for it. Still not interested. That's when Sheila surprised me ...

She said, "you know, that's fine. Whatever. You just don't like me and I really don't like you. So, let's just not worry about this." OK. First, what she said was oddly irrelevant to the topic at hand. Second, I've only met her one other time and hadn't formed an opinion about whether I liked her or not--I certainly hadn't decided that I didn't like her. And, third, I'm thinking that I might not have a whole lot of fun out dancing with someone who desperately wants to let me know that she doesn't like me.

So, I told Deb that I'd like to go, but wanted to call a cab. If we weren't calling a cab, then I wasn't going to go. Not a big deal. Then I carried my sleepy daughter home and tucked her in. When I went back over to the party, Debbie, Mary and Sheila had left. Decision made. No sweat.

I continued chatting and laughing with everybody else at the party until Tim and I decided we were ready to head back home.

I had a fun time. I don't regret my decision at all. I hope they had a good time when they were out--and I'm glad they didn't get hurt along the way ... but I wouldn't have done it any other way.

7 random things

I've been tagged by my long-time friend (and fellow blogger) to post 7 random things about me ... so here goes!

1. I have green-blue eyes, except for the Schario brown spot in my left eye. My dad has it and Nana had it, too. I sometimes mess with people when they say "did you know you have something in your one eye?" I like to respond with something like "is it my left eye, over here to this side? (pointing to the spot) It's been hurting all day and I don't know what it could be." They usually get pretty stirred up about it, confirming that, indeed, that's where the spot is. They go on describing said spot for a little bit. Then I let them in on the story. I can be such a shit sometimes!

2. I have an HRC (Human Rights Campaign) equality sticker on the back of my van ... the only bumper sticker I've ever had.

3. I wear a size 9 shoe. I don't think my feet are big ... and I don't think they look big--apparently it's unexpected by most people to hear my shoe size. Some are surprised that I wear a 9.

4. Tim and I have been dating for 15 years now. We just had our "dating anniversary" on May 14th. I didn't even realize it until the day after ... and he didn't realize it until I told him. Aaahhhhh! The romance is still a-blazing! :D

5. I would love to be pregnant and deliver another baby or two, but I don't want any more kids. (I realize the conundrum there ...) I have actually looked into being a surrogate mother. I would gladly do that for someone in my family or good friends, but haven't followed through to file paperwork or anything to put me on a list / database for anyone else.

6. I cry easily. I cry at sentimental commercials. I cry during the Olympics--sometimes during touching back-stories, other times when the national anthem is being played. I sometimes cry when I read cheesy, sappy emails--you know, the ones designed to make you reflect on your life and friends and all that. I cry sometimes when I stand at the end of my kids' beds when they're sleeping--feeling blessed for the sweet things they are. I cry--a lot--when watching movies ... every Disney movie, and dramas for sure. I absolutely bawled (heaving chest and inability to regulate my breathing) when I watched Bridges of Madison County and Big Fish. Sometimes that just feels so freeing to let it all out.

7. Although I'm a pretty good cook, I have never actually cooked anything (and I mean that I've never cooked anything) by myself on the grill. I'm kind of afraid to ... it's like venturing into the unknown. Scary. And, besides, Tim's so good at it!! :)

At this point, I should "tag" someone else to post 7 random things on their blog ... but Jen is my only blogging friend, and she tagged me. I'll assume there are no tag backs ...

in the talent show

There's a new-ish movie out for kids called "Jump In!" It's a Disney movie full of feel-good-about-yourself and do-what-makes-YOU-happy-not-what-other-people-think-you-should-do plot lines. The basic premise is a teenage boy (played by Corbin Bleu ... I would be shrieking and excited at the mere mention of his name if I were about 25 years younger) who is the boxing son of a champion boxer who ends up following his heart to compete with some friends in a double dutch competition. Along the way, of course, he is ridiculed by some people that he likes to jump rope ... but those people come around in the end--in true Disney movie predictability / feel-good fashion. Setting aside the enormous cheese factor, the movie is engaging, even for us grown-up types. So, you can imagine that it's a near obsession for the kid types.

The tricks these kids do while jumping rope are nothing short of amazing. It takes an incredible amount of talent, skill and stamina to perform like the kids in the movie do. My kids (and I) are completely impressed, which is what brought about the following conversation between Austin and me:

"Hey Mom, I want to be in the talent show this year."
"You do? What are you thinking you want to do?"
"Jump rope."
"Really? Are you going to do tricks or just see how long you can jump?"
"Tricks, like in Jump In! ... I want to do stuff like Izzy" (the character's name)
"That sounds cool, Austin. I suppose you better start practicing some of your big moves, huh?"
"Yeah ... I'm gonna do that now. Okay?"
"Have fun!"

And that's where it all began ...

He chose a song from the soundtrack of the movie (it's the remixed version of the song Jump! Jump! Think "Criss Cross will make you Jump! Jump!"). He practiced everyday. He auditioned in front of his class--which made him feel a little nervous, but also "kind of cool" because his classmates clapped really loud and for a long time and told him they thought he was "awesome". He waited anxiously for 2 weeks to see the posting of who made it--and he did. We were very excited .... and he was determined to practice even more.

On Wednesday, we (Tim even took the morning off so he could go watch) took the kids to school and got good seats in the gym. The performers came in and all took their seats to the side of the stage in order--Austin would be third. Then the rest of the school filed in to the gym and sat on the floor. First performer was a joke telling second grader. Lots of participation (during the Knock! Knock! jokes) and good laughs from the audience. Second performer was a guitar playing second grader. He played (and very well) the Star Spangled Banner. Good applause and cheering from the crowd when he finished. Then it was Austin's turn. He was up on the stage with his jump rope. The music started and he was off. He did some one-legged jumping, then switched legs. He did some backwards jumping and then one-legged backward jumping. The crowd started clapping along with the music. Then he did a really long series of speed jumping ... and the crowd started cheering and clapping. He continued varying his skills throughout the song ... the kids loved it. When he finished, the audience clapped and cheered loudly. He was tired, but I could tell he was proud of himself. Tim and I were really proud of him, too.

The talent show continued with about 20 more acts of singers, musicians, dancers and even a contortionist--all kids ranging from Kindergarten through 3rd grade. (The 4th-6th graders performed in the afternoon.) It was a very good show. We were impressed with all the talent. Later that night, Tim and I were talking about the different acts and agreed that the best performance was from a cutie pie 2nd grader doing a dance to a jazzy version of the "Itsy Bitsy Spider". Her years of dance classes really showed. We also agreed that Austin's performance was in the top five of all of them.

He's already planning what he wants to do for next year's talent show--breakdancing!!

Maya's first sleep-over

What a fun weekend for Maya! She had one of her friends come over to play for the day on Saturday. They spent the afternoon running around together, jumping on the trampoline, playing Barbies and painting rocks ... giggling all the while. They had such a great time.

At one point when I went up to Maya's room to peek in on them, Maya asked if Paige could stay the night. Paige said that she couldn't because she had church the next morning. They were both a little disappointed, but I reassured them that some other time we would definitely be able to have a sleep-over... especially once summer vacation arrives, we'll have lots of opportunities. Both girls were happy with that notion.

Shortly after that conversation, I called to let Paige's parents know how things were going and to confirm with them that she wanted to stay for dinner and when I would return her home. Long story short, they invited Maya to stay over at their house and go to church with them. Maya and Paige nearly fell over themselves and each other with excitement at that idea. It was all giggles and squeals and clapping and jumping up and down for a good five minutes!

I dropped off both girls and went out to the Relay For Life (I'll post about that later). Everything went off without a hitch. Maya had "tons of fun" and was happy to have her first sleep-over ... and she was also excited and happy to come home today and give Mommy and Daddy big hugs. The night was a complete success. :)

It was exciting for all of us ... but a little bittersweet for Tim and me. We're happy for her to be doing fun things like this and enjoying her social connections, but it's hard to believe that our little girl is old enough to be out and away from us--with someone other than family--for an overnight visit. It's only the beginning, I know ...

random thoughts

I have a few little things to post about, so I'll just combine them into one today.

First, our appointment with the pediatric psychologist went well. I like him a lot. He isn't going to tell us what we should do with Austin (regarding behavior management strategies vs. medication)--he believes that's our call. He sees his role as giving Tim and me as much information as possible so that we can make an informed decision and offer his professional opinion to help guide us. I like that approach. And he seems very easy to talk to and was completely straight-forward with answers and replies to our questions and thoughts. We talked about how things are now with Austin, how they have been in the past, what has happened (and hasn't) with this year's teacher to affect the situation and what we'd like to see in the future for Aus. We didn't get through all the questions he has for us, so when we go back in two weeks, we need to finish with his series of questions and then he'll have one on one time with Austin for the rest of that meeting and for the following three. No definitive answers or plan yet, but I really feel that we'll be able to work out a good scenario for Austin. I'll keep posting on this situation.

Next, although I have been making some progress with the running, I just don't enjoy it. I feel good about it as I start out, but around the time I hit 1 mile, I would rather not be running. It's not because my legs hurt or that I'm too out of breath or anything ... I just don't like it. I have to keep talking myself into going further. I hope this is just a little hump. I know a lot of people who really love running, but I'm thinking that I might not be one of them.

Last, I am tired of this weight plateau. When I started this whole regimen to get back into shape and lose weight, I was strictly following Weight Watchers (not going to meetings, but following the plan) and working out five days a week. I lost 20 pounds and lots of inches (nearly six inches just around my waist). I felt great and loved all the progress. Then as summer arrived and the kids were home all day, I wasn't working out quite as much ... and I wasn't as strictly following Weight Watchers--just mostly keeping up with it. I stopped writing down what I ate and kind of kept track of the points in my head. Well, I've already talked about being sick of being stuck in the weight rut, so I started running--in hopes of shocking my body into losing weight. It's not working. So I've come to a realization: I need to be back in full-contact, all-out, no-holds-barred, write-down-everything-I-eat-and-track-every-point Weight Watchers mode to get this moving along again. So, here I go again!

What will our future hold?

Tonight we have our appointment with the pediatric psychologist. I'm nervous and excited ... hopeful, but afraid to be. We've had some really great days with Aus lately. He's been listening to Tim and me and he's going out of his way to be kind and thoughtful (running up to Maya's room to get something for her, making sure the cats have plenty of water and food, choosing the small gardening gloves because Maya wanted the big ones ... this list could be longer and more significant, but this will do).

Five days of good behavior were about all Austin could muster, though, and some of his pent up behaviors had to be unleashed ...

Austin was not allowed to ride the bus yesterday, because on the way home Tuesday, he punched Maya--in the face (for not scooting over in the seat so he could sit there too .... his reason: it was his "favorite place to sit and she was not sharing"). This was not the first problem he's had on the bus--far from it. The bus driver has had to talk to him many times about being mean to Maya (he isn't mean to anyone else, just Maya), and this was the last straw. So, deservedly so, he had a one day suspension (honestly, I expected at least 3 days, but the bus driver didn't want to inconvenience me too much ... nice of her, but I told her not to worry about that, I'd just be sure to convey that inconvenience to Austin). He is grounded from all electronics (TV, computer, GameCube and his Leapster) for five days and is not allowed to sit in the same seat as Maya on the bus for the rest of the year--even if she's in his "favorite" seat.

After school Tuesday, while I was at a PTA meeting, the kids were with the Latchkey group. It was a gorgeous day, so they were all outside on the playground. After about 45 minutes, the Latchkey coordinator brought Austin to me, saying that he had to be removed from the group because he and two other boys were covering a first-grader in mulch. (This offense is less troublesome to me than him hitting or hurting someone ... but, I still had the pleasure of having someone point out that my son is causing problems.) I thought for sure I would have to leave the meeting early--figuring that Austin wouldn't be able to sit quietly until it was over. But, since the meeting was in the library, I was able to sit him over next to the books. He sat completely quiet--and still--for the rest of the meeting (another 45 minutes) reading. I couldn't believe it. My constantly moving, noisy boy (usually he's making sounds for the imaginative play he's got going on in his head--spaceships flying, cars zooming, things crashing, etc.) was absolutely quiet and engrossed in books. He often sits still and quiet for long periods of time--if he's in front of something electronic ... but not usually that long for reading.

Except for working on writing homework last night, Austin had a really good day yesterday. He cleaned his room--completely. (Usually when I tell him he needs to clean up his room, he spends about 5 minutes and comes back to tell me he's done ... and he's not. I have to go up and give him specific instructions, step by step, for finishing the job.) He spent about 20 minutes putting together the game Mouse Trap--following the directions and doing it all by himself. He was good during dinner (I know that it helped that we had a "picnic" in the family room--he didn't have to stay in his seat and had some freedom to move around) and got ready for bed with no problems at all.

These good days really help keep me sane ... they give me hope and reassure me that we will have bright spots. Hopefully they'll be more and more frequent after our appointment tonight.

Maya playing soccer ...

Big moment in the soccer game this week ... Maya actually kicked the ball once! She mostly skipped around the field again, giving me (and the dad of one of the other players who was sitting next to me) plenty of reasons to smile and giggle.

This photo really captures the essence of my Mina Moo and her mad soccer skills:

She's the "player" in the yellow t-shirt and pink pants facing toward the right side of the photo --away from the ball. You can see that all of the kids are running toward the left ... where the ball is. There was a woman who had a dog sitting over where Maya was looking. I'm guessing she was engrossed in happy dog thoughts and didn't want to be distracted by the pesky soccer game going on around her! :D

That's my sweet, whimsy girl!!

Come and get it!

I've posted once earlier about Austin and his famous PB & J sandwiches. This weekend, he made the scrumptious treat for the entire family. We were all outside--kids playing and Tim and I working away in the landscaping. We were spreading mulch in the front bed when Austin came up to me and the following conversation ensued:

"I'm thinking about lunch, Mom."

"Oh really? What are you thinking about making us?"

"You mean I can really make it?! For real?"

"Sure."

"Cool!! I'll make us all my super-special peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

"Sounds great!" :D

And off he went, running into the house to prepare a Jif and jelly feast. About 15 minutes later, he came out the front door, completely giddy, barely able to contain himself ... smiling ear to ear. "Lunch is served, everyone!!"

Tim and I took off the gloves and headed in the house for a lunch break. We walked into the kitchen to find a tower of sandwiches, oozing jelly and deliciousness all over the counter. We got out the fine china (read: paper plates) and Austin served each of us.


I am a fan of peanut butter and jelly ... and this particular sandwich was truly delicious. Maybe Austin has a future in the culinary field!

WooHoo!

I reached 2 running goals today: I ran for 30 minutes straight, and I ran my entire neighborhood. Initially, my goal was to be able to run the main loop of my 'hood without stopping--that's one mile. I made that goal about a week after I set it, so I revised my goal. I wanted to be able to run the main loop, the extra loop and the inner circle--that totals about 2.25 miles--by April 30th (today!). I ran all of that plus about another quarter-mile. So, I ran 2.5 miles today.

I've also been keeping track of my time ... today was definitely slower than usual--about a 12-minute mile. So, that's my next goal ... continue to run the 2.5 miles while reducing my time. As I get faster (that's a very relative term I'm using), I'll want to try to extend my distance.

An incentive in this training is that my good friend is going to run a 5K with me--after she's completed the Lake Placid Ironman triathlon in July. (You are awesome, Jen!! I am completely inspired by you!! Looking forward to running together :D) I have a long way to go in getting ready for that, but after today's progress I feel confident I'll be able to do it. WooHoo!!

My whimsy girl is playing soccer.

Maya is named for my Nana (her middle name is Kathleen). I've written about Nana in this blog before. The condensed version is that she was a kind, caring, giggling, book-loving, light-hearted, DeedleDee-singing, intelligent, open-minded Irish mother to many ... many more than just her own seven children ... and their spouses--current or otherwise. An amazing woman. With a whimsical edge.

My cousin, Heather--who is also named for Nana (her middle name is Kathleen, too)--has many Nana traits. Short version: she's intelligent, kind, compassionate, quick to laugh, open-minded and whimsical. And, if I'm not mistaken, also really enjoys books and reading. Growing up, Heather was always happy-go-lucky!

For a while, I found it almost alarming how much Maya is like Nana (and Heather). She's very sweet, kind, smart and giggly. She loves books and reading. She sings to herself all the time. She's a day-dreamy, imaginative girl. A light-hearted, whimsical soul. I'm now very accustomed to her Nana-esque ways. It's actually quite comforting. (To those who knew Nana, you will find it interesting to know that Maya learned "Swing Swong" when she was about 18 months old and would sing it every time I would push her in a swing ... I felt Nana was with me, watching over her newest namesake.)

Well, now little Miss Maya is playing soccer. Her first game was Saturday. It went exactly as I thought it would. She was skipping around the field, sometimes in the direction of the ball and action, sometimes not. She did actually kick the ball a few times. But more often, she was talking with other kids on the field--giggling and smiley. At one point in the middle of the game, she came running off the field so she could give her Granny a hug and kiss. Granny and I laughed the entire time we were watching her "play" soccer. Maya had "lots and lots of fun" out there playing her light-hearted version of the game.

It was precisely what I had expected from my little Maya Kathleen. :)

I want to make the right choice.

I am spent.

Tim and I have an appointment with a pediatric psychologist in 2 weeks to discuss Austin's behavior (and determine if he has A.D.D.) and whether or not he would benefit from taking medication. The questionnaires that I've filled out regarding all this seem to scream at me that he's a classic case for A.D.D. In all honesty, I've known for a few years in my heart that he's got it, but just haven't wanted to completely give in to it. [This whole topic of medicating for A.D.D. is such a hot one ... everyone has an opinion on it. We have generally not been interested in medicating him for this. We would rather try behavior modification strategies (that have mostly been working up until school started this year) ... but now we've reached a new point in all of this, so we're seriously re-thinking it all. It's a constant source of stress and doubt. We want to make the best decision for Austin ... I really don't want to mess this up.]

At this point, I'm quite tired.

I'm tired of blaming myself. I'm tired of feeling like I must not be doing enough as a parent to have avoided or fixed this. I'm exhausted from the constant work I do with him to redirect his behavior and guide him to making good choices--to no avail. I'm worn out from feeling like a failure. I'm tired of feeling embarrassed by his behavior when we're out somewhere. I'm tired of the dirty looks I get from other people ... like I'm a moron of a parent who does nothing to keep her child in line. I'm tired of seeing the sad look on my son's face when he talks about being frustrated in school because his teacher is always yelling at him ... and he doesn't know why or what he's done wrong most of the time. I'm tired of seeing other kids look at him like he's an idiot when he's running around, making squeaking sounds and invading their space during soccer practice--while he's entirely oblivious to that fact. I'm completely heartbroken when Austin cries because he doesn't have any friends--he used to, but they don't want to play with him anymore (because he does things that are annoying to the people around him). I'm so sad when I hear him plead with me to not have to go to school ... especially when I know that he loved school and his teacher last year.

I'm tired from all of this. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. But more than any of that, I'm just sad. Sad that my son feels so isolated and alone. Sad that my little boy--who can be the sweetest and most dear little boy--has had his spirit crushed by his teacher this year, for behaviors that seem to be honestly out of his control. Sad that I can't fix this for him ... or seem to show him how to fix it himself.

So many of my days are a roller coaster of emotions. I'm frustrated with him, annoyed by his out-of-control behavior, challenged to stay patient and calm, angered by what seems to be his defiance of what I tell him to do. I'm also enamored by his loving heart, amazed at his creative thinking, intrigued by his view and perspectives on everyday events, amused by his sense of humor and laugh, touched by his sensitivity, thoughtfulness and caring nature, impressed by his intelligence. Some days--when things have been particularly difficult--after I've tucked him in, I feel absolutely guilty. Guilty for getting frustrated, annoyed, angry. Guilty for not being able to do more to help him. Guilty for not knowing what to do.

I hope I'll get some insight when we meet with this doctor ...

What a difference a teacher can make!

Here's an email that I sent to Austin's teacher from last year:

Hi Judy!

I hope you've had a wonderful (and relaxing) Spring Break.

I wanted to tell you that Austin has frequently lamented that he wishes you taught second grade--I do, too. While we were snuggling this morning, Austin just said out of the blue that he would be so happy if you could be his teacher for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th grades and then college!! :)

This year is not going well ... to the point that Austin has developed stress-related chronic stomach pain. He tells me just about every morning that he doesn't want to go to school. It's not good. (He always enjoyed school last year--and in Kindergarten.)

I know that Austin is immature and has issues with focusing, paying attention and impulsive behavior. I understand that he's not the easiest student to have in class, but I always felt like you saw him for the sweet kid he is, who needs to work on those issues--and you wanted to help him develop strategies so he could succeed. You were always proactive and kept me informed. I felt like we really worked together to get the best results for Austin. You (we) tried a variety of strategies to find which ones were most successful for Austin--it never seemed that we were putting you out to try something new ... you were willing to do whatever you thought would be helpful. When I would get phone calls or emails from you about what was going on, I felt like you were addressing a problem behavior, not a problem kid. I appreciated that so much ... even more now.

Thank you (again) for all that you did with and for Austin last year. We are so grateful.

:) Jennifer

Here is her response:

Hi!

Thank you for making me feel so special!

I am sorry Austin has had such a difficult year. I wish I could help make the rest of the year a little easier. If you can think of anything, let me know. Maybe we can make a deal with him. If he finishes his work he can come visit me once a week and eat lunch with me. Even if he doesn’t finish his work he is still welcome to come and eat his lunch with me. Maybe that would help him feel a little better about coming to school. Please let me know what you think. If you have any other idea let me know.

You are right. I love Austin and I know that he is a great boy!

Thanks again for all the nice thoughts you sent my way.

Judy

**Austin started eating lunch with her last Friday ... he is already looking forward to Friday of this week--and it's only Tuesday! I cannot say enough good things about Judy--the first grade teacher. I struggle to find anything good to say about Becky--the second grade teacher. More on that later ...

the Valentine Daddy-Daughter Dance

Wanted to post this photo collage that my aunt put together (thanks Sherry!!) ... Maya was so happy and proud to be going to a dance with her Daddy. They had a wonderful time.

fun with the kids

To round out an otherwise lazy Spring Break week, the kids and I went to the Toledo Zoo on Friday. It was a fun day for us ... both kids love animals! We spent about four hours there--with a little more than a half hour just with the orangutans--they are the kids' favorites! (During our visit last Fall, the kids named the orangutan family: the adult male--who is absolutely huge--had a runny nose when we were there, so he was named "Snots", the Mama of the bunch was named "Boobs" as that is a prominent feature on her body, the baby--who will be a year old next month--has wild hair that sticks up all over his body which led to the name "Hair", and the 3-ish year old male who is a busybody (like some other boy I know) was named "Climb-it" because that's what he did most of the time.) The weather was chilly initially, but the sun came out and it warmed up to a balmy 45 by mid-afternoon when we were leaving.

As we were driving away from the zoo, Austin said that he'd like to go golfing--real golfing. He got his own set of kids' clubs about 2 years ago. We've been to the driving range a variety of times and he and Maya often hit wiffle balls in the back yard for fun ... but we haven't taken the kids out to golf yet. So, we decided that Saturday afternoon would be a good first time to go. The weather was supposed to be similar to Friday's (key words: supposed to be) which meant cool, but enjoyable. Well, that didn't actually work out to be the case, but it was tolerable ... for a while .... by most of us. We took the kids to a local par 3 course. We started with stretching and a quick review of safety rules--don't stand next to someone swinging a club, always check around you before you swing your club, never stand ahead of the person swinging, etc. Austin teed off first. Decent shot, went about 20 yards. Maya was next. It took 3 swings before she connected with the ball. It went about 2 feet. We told her to pick it up and put it back on the tee. After about 10 tries to get the ball to balance on the tee, I helped her with that. A swing, a hit and about 10 feet. Yeah!! My turn, hit a tree. Oops. Tim's shot went mostly up the fairway. Yeah! Maya hit her ball again ... about 5 more feet. Then about 3 feet. Then a few yards. Then a foot, and another. Tim picked it up and tossed it up the fairway for her. Yippee!

We all improved over the next few holes. On the third hole, we all seemed to hit our stride. Maya had a great shot that went about 20 yards, then Austin had a great shot that went about 30 yards. I was next and nearly made the green, then Tim did put his shot on the green. Woohoo!! We all love golfing!!!

Except for the part that we all were cold with watering eyes from the wind. Runny noses, chilly fingers. Little Maya was "freeeeeezing". We all had played through the first four holes. Maya just walked with us on the 5th. After Tim, Austin and I finished putting the 5th, I suggested that I take Maya back to the van so she could warm up while the boys finished the last four holes. Good plan. So she and I walked back. Tim and Austin played on. After the drive on the 9th hole, Austin decided that he was too cold and was ready to be done. No problem. So the boys came back to the van.

It was a fun first time out ... even though we were cold. Actually, I think the cold weather ended up being a good thing. No one else was out, so we didn't have to worry about people waiting on us or feeling like we needed to rush the kids. We were able to let them take all 20 shots (or so) that they needed to finish the hole. They had fun and felt proud that, regardless of how many strokes it took, they were able to hit their ball from the tee and eventually putt it into the cup (with the exception of Tim "helping" Maya by tossing her ball up the fairway on the first and second holes). We're already looking forward to some warmer weather so we can head back to the course.

Fore!!

not a stellar day ...

I try to stay positive, I really do. I strive to look on the brighter side of things. I'd like to say that I see the cup as half full. I think I'm an optimist.

But, sometimes ... I fail at this. Miserably. I am apparently cranky. Bitchy. A mean parent. A very critical person. A nagging wife.

An example ...

Today, my son's behavior tested me at every turn. After an hour or two of trying to be rational and reasonable, I just was done with it. The nice in me turned sour. In the shoe store, we had a multitude of frustrations for me. The last straw came as Austin was trying on new soccer shoes. I had been asking the kids to walk in their shoes a bit so that I could gauge the fit for their feet. Rather than say, "Austin, I need to you to walk normally from here to the end of the aisle so that I can see whether or not these shoes really do fit you" for the tenth time, I said "What's the matter with you?! I am asking you to walk like a normal person so that I can see if these shoes fit you. Are you capable of doing this or not?!" (hear in my voice that I am spent and irritated) It is worth noting that previously I had my son sit down (twice) in a time-out for my benefit as well as his safety.

There was another mother with her 3 children also shopping for shoes nearby. Unfortunately for me, she happened to be THE mother of the freakin' year, based on the seething glances she shot at me. Excuse the hell out of me ... if any parent can get all the way through raising their children without admitting that there were a few times that you were dragged to your wits' end and had no interest in being near the little cherubs, then you were either high or the kids were drugged into a stupor. There's also the possibility that you served as an absentee parent. It just doesn't happen. And today was not my best parenting day, of that I am sure. (I certainly didn't need the glares from that bitch to tell me that.)

Generally speaking ....

Sometimes, I'm afraid that I keep pushing the negativity of my world to the side. I don't want that to be in my reality. I want the romanticized happiness to be real. I want to think that I have an easy life ... a happy life ... that everything is just peachy. I don't want to be bogged down with frustration or sadness. Or let down by reality. But, sometimes I am slapped in the face by all of it. I'm not as happy as I try to feel. My life lacks the satisfaction I yearn for. It's not all peachy.

I try to keep my chin up, trudge on. Keep painting that happy picture. Certainly, if the picture looks happy, then the people who are looking at it will be happy, too ... right?

Maybe not. I surely don't feel fooled tonight.

Sloth is a virtue, right?

As I type this, Austin is sitting on the couch, watching his favorite show on television--The Most Extreme on Animal Planet. (It's a show that counts down the "most extreme" creatures in nature based on a particular theme ... this episode is about daredevils, and I just learned that the flying snake ranks as number 7. A lot of information is shared about each creature making the countdown, and sometimes correlations are made to humans and things in our world .... "imagine jumping from a 10-story building and landing on your belly!" Austin is always sharing tidbits of information that he's learned from this show--and others on Animal Planet, his favorite channel.) He has told me his plan for the day: watch a little television, then head downstairs to play some GameCube. A perfect "nothing" day for my son! And a great way to really get this Spring Break going ... full (slow-motion) speed ahead!

Maya is less interested in television, although she did sit down for a little SpongeBob SquarePants earlier and she just plopped herself on the couch for a short viewing with Austin. Generally, she's much more interested in reading and writing. She spent some time this morning writing letters and drawing pictures with her new stationery set (with glitter pens!!!) from the Easter Bunny. We also played some Apples to Apples Jr. about an hour ago. Maya's plan for a perfect day is also in action: stay in her jammies all day (which is one of my sweatshirts), read a little, color and draw a bit, watch some t.v., play a few games, pet the cats, spend some snuggle time with Mommy. Aaaahhhhh .... a perfect lazy day!

Apparently, I have decided to follow their lead. Aside from making them breakfast, doing dishes and tidying up the kitchen, I have a lounging plan of my own. I have a lot of laundry to do ... so I'm going to go downstairs with the book I'm reading (The Beautiful Things that Heaven Bears by Dinaw Mengestu--it's a good one) and start some clothes in the wash. While they're doing their thing, I'm going to lay on the bed in the guest room and read. I'll get up as the washer and dryer call me to duty, but otherwise ... I'm still in my jammies and plan to read and loaf a bit. I'm sure Maya will come with me--she'll be able to get in some Mommy snuggle time and a good opportunity for relaxed reading.

Sounds like a good way to spend one of our Spring Break days!!

Tim and Jenny sittin' in a tree ...

Now that both kids are in school all day, Tim and I have been able to go on daytime dates. He has taken an occasional day off work so that we can do something fun together. We've gone to see a movie (Borat ... what a funny one!!) and out to lunch. We've done some Christmas shopping and taken a nice walk. Last Fall, there were a few times that Tim would come home around lunchtime and we'd zip off to the Metroparks in Toledo for a bike ride. That was occasionally followed with finding a little mom-and-pop restaurant for pie (or other dessert). Yum!!

Today we had another date day. We started the day off with a visit to an attorney to update our wills. Romantic, huh?!! Nothing sets the mood for a fun day together like preparing for your death! When you have kids, though, romance takes a backseat to practicality most of the time. So, today we started out the day on a very practical, and slightly morbid, note. The somber note didn't last long as we were joking with each other in the parking lot on the way to the car.

The rest of the day was very nice. The Easter Bunny did some shopping--we waited in the car at Target, Toys R Us and Borders while he hopped in to pick up a few things--and then we headed to a new restaurant for lunch. I think we found my new favorite restaurant ... we both had completely delicious meals, the service was fantastic and the ambiance was lovely--a perfect formula for a great dining experience! (It's called J. Alexander's.) Next, we visited the Toledo Museum of Art. We had heard from people around here that it's a nice museum, and they were right. There were two exhibits on display that I enjoyed very much--Jacob Lawrence Prints and "Symphonic Poem--The Art of Aminah Brenda Lynn Robinson". But, I have to say that after the first hour of wandering through the many galleries, I lost some of the enthusiasm that I initially had ... I don't know if I should chalk that up to my ADD, my very tired feet or the fact that it was hard to walk (because my butt and legs are so sore from my Bands and Stability Ball class yesterday). I think Tim was a little overdone toward the end of our visit, too. We were both joking a bit about the art--rather than appreciating it in a very cultured way, we were appreciating it for how we were entertained by it.

It's really quite nice that I still enjoy spending time with my husband. We've been together for about 15 years now--married for 10 of those. We've been (and continue to go) through the adjustment of having kids. We've had our share of bumps, rocks, trials and tribulations ... but we've come through all of that together, and that has made us closer and stronger. I still get frustrated with him sometimes, and he gets annoyed with me at times, too. (I'm not sure why, though ... after all, I am a constant ray of sunshine and joy. :D) But, more than anything, I really like my husband. I like that he makes me laugh. I like that he is the voice of reason and calm when I'm feeling a little spastic. I like that he's smart, handy, kind and generous. I like that he's a good cook and a wonderful father. I like that he enjoys traveling and experiencing new cultures. I like that he's a hard worker and an honest man. I like that he has really nice legs! :)

And I like that he will take some time off work so that we can go out and spend time together ...

"and I was running ..." (Forrest Gump)

I am really happy to report that I've definitely made some progress with the running. I started this new exercise program / strategy less than a week ago. My initial goal was to be able to run the main loop of my 'hood in one stretch by the end of April ... the main loop is 1 mile. (There are 2 other sections that I can add to my distance: inner loop = .75 mile, extra loop = .75 mile.)

The first time I "ran", a lot of it was walking. I could only run about a quarter-mile at a time and had to do some intermittent walking. By Thursday, I was able to run the entire main loop ... woo! hoo!! In 4 days I was able to work up to running 1 mile. (That means I achieved my goal a month early ... either I didn't set a lofty enough goal or I'm just awesome! I'm pretty sure it's the former rather than the latter! :D)

Today, I ran the entire main loop and all of the inner loop--that's 1.75 miles!! I was really happy with that! My legs were hurting, but I was very happy!

I'll be doing my official weigh-in and measurements on Monday, so we'll find out if I see results there, too! I'll let you know. I can say that jeans that fit me a few weeks ago were a little baggy / loose this weekend.

I'm off to do some sit-ups and push ups now. :)

civic duty

Things are not always what they seem. Sometimes in life we find ourselves dealing with situations and events that seem innocent and innocuous enough at the time, but we realize at some point or another that our lives have been changed because of them.

May 2004 I was called for jury duty. I had never been called to serve on a jury before. I was actually excited. (I realize that most people don't get excited for jury duty, but I did.) An opportunity to fill a need in the community. Be a part of the system that seeks justice for all of us. I had no idea what I was getting into ... or how much my life would change because of it.

When I received an 8-page questionnaire in the mail that asked nearly 100 questions, I figured it was all part of the routine of picking a jury. Through the entire voir dire process (when the prospective jurors are asked their opinions regarding a variety of topics), I didn't realize the gravity of the trial at hand. When I was asked about my thoughts on the death penalty and life sentence, I just thought they were making sure they had people who would be objective and follow the guidance of the law--ensuring that they wouldn't be putting loony toons on a jury. When we were told that the trial had a change of venue because there had been too much local publicity regarding the crime and the defendant wasn't likely to get a fair trial, I figured it was because the small area of Cambridge, Ohio had little else to report on ... so they probably just reported the hell out of whatever it was. I had no idea that all of these were indicators of what the trial could possibly be about. I had no idea that my world was about to be rocked--to the core. I had no idea.

During the opening arguments, I quickly got the idea. The defendant, Marvin Johnson, had killed Daniel Bailey--the 13-year-old son of his ex-girlfriend, Tina. Marvin's attorneys conceded that. They didn't believe that he should be charged with aggravated murder, though, because they were going to argue semantics that Marvin didn't kidnap Daniel, as he was charged, because Daniel was already dead when Marvin gagged and hogtied him and dragged him to the basement. They also didn't believe that Marvin should be found guilty of rape and aggravated robbery (the victim of those 2 crimes was Tina). They would argue whether or not Marvin actually held the knife to Tina's throat while he sexually violated her, and the technicality of aggravated robbery because she was able to talk him into leaving the knife at the house while she drove him to the bank to get $1000. (It's not considered aggravated robbery--the more serious charge--without the weapon.)

As is the case with any trial, we were told NOT to discuss this case at all, with anyone--spouses, family, friends or other jurors--or to look for information regarding this in newspapers or on the internet during the trial. We were to hear all testimony and see all evidence before forming an opinion on the matters at hand. For me, that was hellish. I was dealing with the most horrific, violent, disturbing and unsettling event in my life completely alone. I felt isolated and empty. I couldn't share with my own husband or mom what was ripping me apart. I cried myself to sleep most every night of that trial, picturing poor Daniel and what he suffered at the hands of that monster ... and for his poor mother and all she must be riddled with--guilt for bringing that man into her family, for not keeping her child safe, the absolute heartbreak of losing a child, particularly in such a violent way, and for what must have been the most horrible moment of her life when she found her son--gagged, hogtied and bloody--and then tried to revive him herself. I still feel an absolute ache in my core when I think about the trial, and I still cry.

Through all the graphic testimony, photos and evidence presented, I was (and still am) able to close my eyes and picture the crime as if it were happening right in front of me, as if I were standing in the corner watching the entire thing happen.

I always knew that horrible things happened in the world, that there are terrible people who commit heinous crimes against others. Until that trial, all of that happened outside of my sphere of reality. I was aware that it existed, but I never lived it. Then, sitting in a jury box, I did. I sat in a courtroom mere feet from the most evil person I have ever encountered. It was at that point that my sphere of reality was punctured. The horrible, villainous events of that crime and every other felt like they were all happening to me in my world. That trial opened the floodgates of my emotional destruction. When I heard about soldiers who were being captured and beheaded, I felt like they were my sons being brutalized. I couldn't breathe. I mourned for each victim of crime like they were my family. I couldn't watch any form of the news without feeling overcome with sadness and devastation. I was overwhelmed with grief. I felt completely tormented.

It wasn't until months after the trial when most all of us on the jury got together that I realized I was dealing with something of grand proportion and out of my control. Several of us were reeling from our experience of the trial. Post-traumatic stress disorder. Depression. Anxiety. Disconnection from what we used to do and love. Inability to cope with setbacks or problems. About two weeks after our get-together, I went to the doctor and cried my way through the appointment. She prescribed an anti-depressant to help me. It worked. I was on medication for about a year.

I'm "fine" now. I am no longer overwhelmed by all of this, but I do still think about it. I check the inmate status of Marvin Johnson about once a month. I've searched the internet for information regarding his appeals. (I received an email from one of my juror friends yesterday--which is what brought this to the front of my thinking. Her daughter is doing a speech regarding the death penalty and found Marvin's appeal report from the Supreme Court of Ohio on-line.) I still feel sick and empty anytime I drive through Cambridge, Ohio. I will never serve on a jury again.

Deliberating the life of another person is incredibly daunting. Most all of us on the jury cried during the deliberation process. We shared opinions. We asked questions. We listened. We sat quietly and thought. We talked. We held hands and prayed. We hugged each other. We all struggled with the gravity of the situation. But we all agreed--imposing the death penalty is an act of affirming the value of life. When I voted in favor of the death sentence for Marvin Johnson, I was also voting for the life of Daniel Bailey.

Several of us from the jury went to the sentencing hearing in June (2004). We drove together to Cambridge and talked a lot about what an impact the trial had on us and our lives. After the hearing we met and talked with the judge, the bailiffs, the prosecuting attorneys and the lead detective on the case. They were all very grateful for our dedication and service to the community. We met Tina Bailey that day, too. She also thanked us for our service in bringing justice for her son and family. When I hugged her that day, I knew that, indeed, my life had been forever changed.