I try to stay positive, I really do. I strive to look on the brighter side of things. I'd like to say that I see the cup as half full. I think I'm an optimist.
But, sometimes ... I fail at this. Miserably. I am apparently cranky. Bitchy. A mean parent. A very critical person. A nagging wife.
An example ...
Today, my son's behavior tested me at every turn. After an hour or two of trying to be rational and reasonable, I just was done with it. The nice in me turned sour. In the shoe store, we had a multitude of frustrations for me. The last straw came as Austin was trying on new soccer shoes. I had been asking the kids to walk in their shoes a bit so that I could gauge the fit for their feet. Rather than say, "Austin, I need to you to walk normally from here to the end of the aisle so that I can see whether or not these shoes really do fit you" for the tenth time, I said "What's the matter with you?! I am asking you to walk like a normal person so that I can see if these shoes fit you. Are you capable of doing this or not?!" (hear in my voice that I am spent and irritated) It is worth noting that previously I had my son sit down (twice) in a time-out for my benefit as well as his safety.
There was another mother with her 3 children also shopping for shoes nearby. Unfortunately for me, she happened to be THE mother of the freakin' year, based on the seething glances she shot at me. Excuse the hell out of me ... if any parent can get all the way through raising their children without admitting that there were a few times that you were dragged to your wits' end and had no interest in being near the little cherubs, then you were either high or the kids were drugged into a stupor. There's also the possibility that you served as an absentee parent. It just doesn't happen. And today was not my best parenting day, of that I am sure. (I certainly didn't need the glares from that bitch to tell me that.)
Generally speaking ....
Sometimes, I'm afraid that I keep pushing the negativity of my world to the side. I don't want that to be in my reality. I want the romanticized happiness to be real. I want to think that I have an easy life ... a happy life ... that everything is just peachy. I don't want to be bogged down with frustration or sadness. Or let down by reality. But, sometimes I am slapped in the face by all of it. I'm not as happy as I try to feel. My life lacks the satisfaction I yearn for. It's not all peachy.
I try to keep my chin up, trudge on. Keep painting that happy picture. Certainly, if the picture looks happy, then the people who are looking at it will be happy, too ... right?
Maybe not. I surely don't feel fooled tonight.
2 comments:
I'm sorry you had such a shitty day. Not every day is sunshine and roses, huh? Yah, I can relate. Hang in there and I hope you have a better day today! Love you!
You are so normal! I had those days too raising you, Stef and Patrick (remember my mistake with Patrick in JC Penneys shoe dept.?). Odd that people didn't glare at me when I made parenting mistakes like they do you. Is it society today that makes many women think they have the right to butt in with someone elses parenting skills? Maybe this Free Speech Amendment has gone too far... after all you have the right to free speech as well and not to be judged by it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but they don't need to tell you about it or glare at you. You have the patience of a saint, so don't be too rough on yourself when you have a trying day and it makes you down in the dumps. Like I said, you are so normal. Mothers who don't have these occasional feelings are kidding themselves. I love you!
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