WooHoo!

I reached 2 running goals today: I ran for 30 minutes straight, and I ran my entire neighborhood. Initially, my goal was to be able to run the main loop of my 'hood without stopping--that's one mile. I made that goal about a week after I set it, so I revised my goal. I wanted to be able to run the main loop, the extra loop and the inner circle--that totals about 2.25 miles--by April 30th (today!). I ran all of that plus about another quarter-mile. So, I ran 2.5 miles today.

I've also been keeping track of my time ... today was definitely slower than usual--about a 12-minute mile. So, that's my next goal ... continue to run the 2.5 miles while reducing my time. As I get faster (that's a very relative term I'm using), I'll want to try to extend my distance.

An incentive in this training is that my good friend is going to run a 5K with me--after she's completed the Lake Placid Ironman triathlon in July. (You are awesome, Jen!! I am completely inspired by you!! Looking forward to running together :D) I have a long way to go in getting ready for that, but after today's progress I feel confident I'll be able to do it. WooHoo!!

My whimsy girl is playing soccer.

Maya is named for my Nana (her middle name is Kathleen). I've written about Nana in this blog before. The condensed version is that she was a kind, caring, giggling, book-loving, light-hearted, DeedleDee-singing, intelligent, open-minded Irish mother to many ... many more than just her own seven children ... and their spouses--current or otherwise. An amazing woman. With a whimsical edge.

My cousin, Heather--who is also named for Nana (her middle name is Kathleen, too)--has many Nana traits. Short version: she's intelligent, kind, compassionate, quick to laugh, open-minded and whimsical. And, if I'm not mistaken, also really enjoys books and reading. Growing up, Heather was always happy-go-lucky!

For a while, I found it almost alarming how much Maya is like Nana (and Heather). She's very sweet, kind, smart and giggly. She loves books and reading. She sings to herself all the time. She's a day-dreamy, imaginative girl. A light-hearted, whimsical soul. I'm now very accustomed to her Nana-esque ways. It's actually quite comforting. (To those who knew Nana, you will find it interesting to know that Maya learned "Swing Swong" when she was about 18 months old and would sing it every time I would push her in a swing ... I felt Nana was with me, watching over her newest namesake.)

Well, now little Miss Maya is playing soccer. Her first game was Saturday. It went exactly as I thought it would. She was skipping around the field, sometimes in the direction of the ball and action, sometimes not. She did actually kick the ball a few times. But more often, she was talking with other kids on the field--giggling and smiley. At one point in the middle of the game, she came running off the field so she could give her Granny a hug and kiss. Granny and I laughed the entire time we were watching her "play" soccer. Maya had "lots and lots of fun" out there playing her light-hearted version of the game.

It was precisely what I had expected from my little Maya Kathleen. :)

I want to make the right choice.

I am spent.

Tim and I have an appointment with a pediatric psychologist in 2 weeks to discuss Austin's behavior (and determine if he has A.D.D.) and whether or not he would benefit from taking medication. The questionnaires that I've filled out regarding all this seem to scream at me that he's a classic case for A.D.D. In all honesty, I've known for a few years in my heart that he's got it, but just haven't wanted to completely give in to it. [This whole topic of medicating for A.D.D. is such a hot one ... everyone has an opinion on it. We have generally not been interested in medicating him for this. We would rather try behavior modification strategies (that have mostly been working up until school started this year) ... but now we've reached a new point in all of this, so we're seriously re-thinking it all. It's a constant source of stress and doubt. We want to make the best decision for Austin ... I really don't want to mess this up.]

At this point, I'm quite tired.

I'm tired of blaming myself. I'm tired of feeling like I must not be doing enough as a parent to have avoided or fixed this. I'm exhausted from the constant work I do with him to redirect his behavior and guide him to making good choices--to no avail. I'm worn out from feeling like a failure. I'm tired of feeling embarrassed by his behavior when we're out somewhere. I'm tired of the dirty looks I get from other people ... like I'm a moron of a parent who does nothing to keep her child in line. I'm tired of seeing the sad look on my son's face when he talks about being frustrated in school because his teacher is always yelling at him ... and he doesn't know why or what he's done wrong most of the time. I'm tired of seeing other kids look at him like he's an idiot when he's running around, making squeaking sounds and invading their space during soccer practice--while he's entirely oblivious to that fact. I'm completely heartbroken when Austin cries because he doesn't have any friends--he used to, but they don't want to play with him anymore (because he does things that are annoying to the people around him). I'm so sad when I hear him plead with me to not have to go to school ... especially when I know that he loved school and his teacher last year.

I'm tired from all of this. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. But more than any of that, I'm just sad. Sad that my son feels so isolated and alone. Sad that my little boy--who can be the sweetest and most dear little boy--has had his spirit crushed by his teacher this year, for behaviors that seem to be honestly out of his control. Sad that I can't fix this for him ... or seem to show him how to fix it himself.

So many of my days are a roller coaster of emotions. I'm frustrated with him, annoyed by his out-of-control behavior, challenged to stay patient and calm, angered by what seems to be his defiance of what I tell him to do. I'm also enamored by his loving heart, amazed at his creative thinking, intrigued by his view and perspectives on everyday events, amused by his sense of humor and laugh, touched by his sensitivity, thoughtfulness and caring nature, impressed by his intelligence. Some days--when things have been particularly difficult--after I've tucked him in, I feel absolutely guilty. Guilty for getting frustrated, annoyed, angry. Guilty for not being able to do more to help him. Guilty for not knowing what to do.

I hope I'll get some insight when we meet with this doctor ...

What a difference a teacher can make!

Here's an email that I sent to Austin's teacher from last year:

Hi Judy!

I hope you've had a wonderful (and relaxing) Spring Break.

I wanted to tell you that Austin has frequently lamented that he wishes you taught second grade--I do, too. While we were snuggling this morning, Austin just said out of the blue that he would be so happy if you could be his teacher for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th grades and then college!! :)

This year is not going well ... to the point that Austin has developed stress-related chronic stomach pain. He tells me just about every morning that he doesn't want to go to school. It's not good. (He always enjoyed school last year--and in Kindergarten.)

I know that Austin is immature and has issues with focusing, paying attention and impulsive behavior. I understand that he's not the easiest student to have in class, but I always felt like you saw him for the sweet kid he is, who needs to work on those issues--and you wanted to help him develop strategies so he could succeed. You were always proactive and kept me informed. I felt like we really worked together to get the best results for Austin. You (we) tried a variety of strategies to find which ones were most successful for Austin--it never seemed that we were putting you out to try something new ... you were willing to do whatever you thought would be helpful. When I would get phone calls or emails from you about what was going on, I felt like you were addressing a problem behavior, not a problem kid. I appreciated that so much ... even more now.

Thank you (again) for all that you did with and for Austin last year. We are so grateful.

:) Jennifer

Here is her response:

Hi!

Thank you for making me feel so special!

I am sorry Austin has had such a difficult year. I wish I could help make the rest of the year a little easier. If you can think of anything, let me know. Maybe we can make a deal with him. If he finishes his work he can come visit me once a week and eat lunch with me. Even if he doesn’t finish his work he is still welcome to come and eat his lunch with me. Maybe that would help him feel a little better about coming to school. Please let me know what you think. If you have any other idea let me know.

You are right. I love Austin and I know that he is a great boy!

Thanks again for all the nice thoughts you sent my way.

Judy

**Austin started eating lunch with her last Friday ... he is already looking forward to Friday of this week--and it's only Tuesday! I cannot say enough good things about Judy--the first grade teacher. I struggle to find anything good to say about Becky--the second grade teacher. More on that later ...

the Valentine Daddy-Daughter Dance

Wanted to post this photo collage that my aunt put together (thanks Sherry!!) ... Maya was so happy and proud to be going to a dance with her Daddy. They had a wonderful time.

fun with the kids

To round out an otherwise lazy Spring Break week, the kids and I went to the Toledo Zoo on Friday. It was a fun day for us ... both kids love animals! We spent about four hours there--with a little more than a half hour just with the orangutans--they are the kids' favorites! (During our visit last Fall, the kids named the orangutan family: the adult male--who is absolutely huge--had a runny nose when we were there, so he was named "Snots", the Mama of the bunch was named "Boobs" as that is a prominent feature on her body, the baby--who will be a year old next month--has wild hair that sticks up all over his body which led to the name "Hair", and the 3-ish year old male who is a busybody (like some other boy I know) was named "Climb-it" because that's what he did most of the time.) The weather was chilly initially, but the sun came out and it warmed up to a balmy 45 by mid-afternoon when we were leaving.

As we were driving away from the zoo, Austin said that he'd like to go golfing--real golfing. He got his own set of kids' clubs about 2 years ago. We've been to the driving range a variety of times and he and Maya often hit wiffle balls in the back yard for fun ... but we haven't taken the kids out to golf yet. So, we decided that Saturday afternoon would be a good first time to go. The weather was supposed to be similar to Friday's (key words: supposed to be) which meant cool, but enjoyable. Well, that didn't actually work out to be the case, but it was tolerable ... for a while .... by most of us. We took the kids to a local par 3 course. We started with stretching and a quick review of safety rules--don't stand next to someone swinging a club, always check around you before you swing your club, never stand ahead of the person swinging, etc. Austin teed off first. Decent shot, went about 20 yards. Maya was next. It took 3 swings before she connected with the ball. It went about 2 feet. We told her to pick it up and put it back on the tee. After about 10 tries to get the ball to balance on the tee, I helped her with that. A swing, a hit and about 10 feet. Yeah!! My turn, hit a tree. Oops. Tim's shot went mostly up the fairway. Yeah! Maya hit her ball again ... about 5 more feet. Then about 3 feet. Then a few yards. Then a foot, and another. Tim picked it up and tossed it up the fairway for her. Yippee!

We all improved over the next few holes. On the third hole, we all seemed to hit our stride. Maya had a great shot that went about 20 yards, then Austin had a great shot that went about 30 yards. I was next and nearly made the green, then Tim did put his shot on the green. Woohoo!! We all love golfing!!!

Except for the part that we all were cold with watering eyes from the wind. Runny noses, chilly fingers. Little Maya was "freeeeeezing". We all had played through the first four holes. Maya just walked with us on the 5th. After Tim, Austin and I finished putting the 5th, I suggested that I take Maya back to the van so she could warm up while the boys finished the last four holes. Good plan. So she and I walked back. Tim and Austin played on. After the drive on the 9th hole, Austin decided that he was too cold and was ready to be done. No problem. So the boys came back to the van.

It was a fun first time out ... even though we were cold. Actually, I think the cold weather ended up being a good thing. No one else was out, so we didn't have to worry about people waiting on us or feeling like we needed to rush the kids. We were able to let them take all 20 shots (or so) that they needed to finish the hole. They had fun and felt proud that, regardless of how many strokes it took, they were able to hit their ball from the tee and eventually putt it into the cup (with the exception of Tim "helping" Maya by tossing her ball up the fairway on the first and second holes). We're already looking forward to some warmer weather so we can head back to the course.

Fore!!

not a stellar day ...

I try to stay positive, I really do. I strive to look on the brighter side of things. I'd like to say that I see the cup as half full. I think I'm an optimist.

But, sometimes ... I fail at this. Miserably. I am apparently cranky. Bitchy. A mean parent. A very critical person. A nagging wife.

An example ...

Today, my son's behavior tested me at every turn. After an hour or two of trying to be rational and reasonable, I just was done with it. The nice in me turned sour. In the shoe store, we had a multitude of frustrations for me. The last straw came as Austin was trying on new soccer shoes. I had been asking the kids to walk in their shoes a bit so that I could gauge the fit for their feet. Rather than say, "Austin, I need to you to walk normally from here to the end of the aisle so that I can see whether or not these shoes really do fit you" for the tenth time, I said "What's the matter with you?! I am asking you to walk like a normal person so that I can see if these shoes fit you. Are you capable of doing this or not?!" (hear in my voice that I am spent and irritated) It is worth noting that previously I had my son sit down (twice) in a time-out for my benefit as well as his safety.

There was another mother with her 3 children also shopping for shoes nearby. Unfortunately for me, she happened to be THE mother of the freakin' year, based on the seething glances she shot at me. Excuse the hell out of me ... if any parent can get all the way through raising their children without admitting that there were a few times that you were dragged to your wits' end and had no interest in being near the little cherubs, then you were either high or the kids were drugged into a stupor. There's also the possibility that you served as an absentee parent. It just doesn't happen. And today was not my best parenting day, of that I am sure. (I certainly didn't need the glares from that bitch to tell me that.)

Generally speaking ....

Sometimes, I'm afraid that I keep pushing the negativity of my world to the side. I don't want that to be in my reality. I want the romanticized happiness to be real. I want to think that I have an easy life ... a happy life ... that everything is just peachy. I don't want to be bogged down with frustration or sadness. Or let down by reality. But, sometimes I am slapped in the face by all of it. I'm not as happy as I try to feel. My life lacks the satisfaction I yearn for. It's not all peachy.

I try to keep my chin up, trudge on. Keep painting that happy picture. Certainly, if the picture looks happy, then the people who are looking at it will be happy, too ... right?

Maybe not. I surely don't feel fooled tonight.

Sloth is a virtue, right?

As I type this, Austin is sitting on the couch, watching his favorite show on television--The Most Extreme on Animal Planet. (It's a show that counts down the "most extreme" creatures in nature based on a particular theme ... this episode is about daredevils, and I just learned that the flying snake ranks as number 7. A lot of information is shared about each creature making the countdown, and sometimes correlations are made to humans and things in our world .... "imagine jumping from a 10-story building and landing on your belly!" Austin is always sharing tidbits of information that he's learned from this show--and others on Animal Planet, his favorite channel.) He has told me his plan for the day: watch a little television, then head downstairs to play some GameCube. A perfect "nothing" day for my son! And a great way to really get this Spring Break going ... full (slow-motion) speed ahead!

Maya is less interested in television, although she did sit down for a little SpongeBob SquarePants earlier and she just plopped herself on the couch for a short viewing with Austin. Generally, she's much more interested in reading and writing. She spent some time this morning writing letters and drawing pictures with her new stationery set (with glitter pens!!!) from the Easter Bunny. We also played some Apples to Apples Jr. about an hour ago. Maya's plan for a perfect day is also in action: stay in her jammies all day (which is one of my sweatshirts), read a little, color and draw a bit, watch some t.v., play a few games, pet the cats, spend some snuggle time with Mommy. Aaaahhhhh .... a perfect lazy day!

Apparently, I have decided to follow their lead. Aside from making them breakfast, doing dishes and tidying up the kitchen, I have a lounging plan of my own. I have a lot of laundry to do ... so I'm going to go downstairs with the book I'm reading (The Beautiful Things that Heaven Bears by Dinaw Mengestu--it's a good one) and start some clothes in the wash. While they're doing their thing, I'm going to lay on the bed in the guest room and read. I'll get up as the washer and dryer call me to duty, but otherwise ... I'm still in my jammies and plan to read and loaf a bit. I'm sure Maya will come with me--she'll be able to get in some Mommy snuggle time and a good opportunity for relaxed reading.

Sounds like a good way to spend one of our Spring Break days!!

Tim and Jenny sittin' in a tree ...

Now that both kids are in school all day, Tim and I have been able to go on daytime dates. He has taken an occasional day off work so that we can do something fun together. We've gone to see a movie (Borat ... what a funny one!!) and out to lunch. We've done some Christmas shopping and taken a nice walk. Last Fall, there were a few times that Tim would come home around lunchtime and we'd zip off to the Metroparks in Toledo for a bike ride. That was occasionally followed with finding a little mom-and-pop restaurant for pie (or other dessert). Yum!!

Today we had another date day. We started the day off with a visit to an attorney to update our wills. Romantic, huh?!! Nothing sets the mood for a fun day together like preparing for your death! When you have kids, though, romance takes a backseat to practicality most of the time. So, today we started out the day on a very practical, and slightly morbid, note. The somber note didn't last long as we were joking with each other in the parking lot on the way to the car.

The rest of the day was very nice. The Easter Bunny did some shopping--we waited in the car at Target, Toys R Us and Borders while he hopped in to pick up a few things--and then we headed to a new restaurant for lunch. I think we found my new favorite restaurant ... we both had completely delicious meals, the service was fantastic and the ambiance was lovely--a perfect formula for a great dining experience! (It's called J. Alexander's.) Next, we visited the Toledo Museum of Art. We had heard from people around here that it's a nice museum, and they were right. There were two exhibits on display that I enjoyed very much--Jacob Lawrence Prints and "Symphonic Poem--The Art of Aminah Brenda Lynn Robinson". But, I have to say that after the first hour of wandering through the many galleries, I lost some of the enthusiasm that I initially had ... I don't know if I should chalk that up to my ADD, my very tired feet or the fact that it was hard to walk (because my butt and legs are so sore from my Bands and Stability Ball class yesterday). I think Tim was a little overdone toward the end of our visit, too. We were both joking a bit about the art--rather than appreciating it in a very cultured way, we were appreciating it for how we were entertained by it.

It's really quite nice that I still enjoy spending time with my husband. We've been together for about 15 years now--married for 10 of those. We've been (and continue to go) through the adjustment of having kids. We've had our share of bumps, rocks, trials and tribulations ... but we've come through all of that together, and that has made us closer and stronger. I still get frustrated with him sometimes, and he gets annoyed with me at times, too. (I'm not sure why, though ... after all, I am a constant ray of sunshine and joy. :D) But, more than anything, I really like my husband. I like that he makes me laugh. I like that he is the voice of reason and calm when I'm feeling a little spastic. I like that he's smart, handy, kind and generous. I like that he's a good cook and a wonderful father. I like that he enjoys traveling and experiencing new cultures. I like that he's a hard worker and an honest man. I like that he has really nice legs! :)

And I like that he will take some time off work so that we can go out and spend time together ...